In my vocation, I have to wade through tons of stories on the internet that spotlight celebrities and their various shenanigans. It's not that I have anything against these waif-like icons and oily-haired magic-makers...in fact, anyone in the entertainment industry owes these overgrown puppies an enormous debt of gratitude for giving us something to talk about.
Nonetheless, some of these famous fools have exceeded their expiration date and it is time that I get in line, take my deli ticket and speak out when my number is called.
The following is a list of people I'd like to ask to think about it before deliberately jumping in front of another camera like a secret service agent leaping to protect a dignitary.
Lindsay Lohan - The ONLY thing interesting about her is that she's a lesbian. Unlike most people, I didn't think that "Mean Girls" was the most amazing thing I've ever seen and I don't feel that "Georgia Rule" and "Herbie Fully Loaded" are good enough reasons to keep her in the spotlight.
She's not famous for her work. She's famous for being troubled. I don't hate her. I just want her to continue to stay away and clean herself up - it's your day to watch her, Samantha.
The women of "The View" - How the hell is this show still on the air? I don't know one single person who watches this show or cares about these women in any way...and yet they take up SO MUCH time in the news - what with Rosie's fights with The Donald, Rosie's fights with Elizabeth Hasselback, Elizabeth Hasselback's fights with EVERYBODY Star Jones's fights with Baba Wawa, Baba Wawa's fights w/ vaseline-smeared camera lenses, Sherri Shepard's fights with the sane and informed,..it's a wonder they even bother having guests on at all...Please - either add a ringmaster and boxing gloves to the set or GO THE EFF AWAY.
Criss Angel - He seems like nothing more than a younger, Jersey-er version of David Copperfield. All the billboards around LA won't change the fact that no one knows who he is or what he does...I guess he likes to freak people out by levitating in random parking lots and gas stations, but I think the reason why most people clap at the end of his tomfoolery is because this magic man looks so scary, that people are just happy to still have their wallets and watches on them when he's done...And maybe most importantly - mild relief that Criss hasn't shanked anybody.
David Blane - He's not even an "illusionist" anymore. He is an individual that needs attention so badly, that he wallows in the hi-jinx of a 4 year old. "Hey everybody! Watch me see how long I can hold my breath! Hey everybody! Watch me balance on this pole! Hey everybody! Watch me stand in ice with no coat!" They're all things we did as children and even then, I don't remember my parents giving a crap. I don't think he should keep throwing money behind TV stunts. I think his time would be better spent in therapy before he accidentally kills himself.
Paris Hilton - The jig is up...It's NOT fascinating anymore. Okay, sure it was interesting for 5 minutes 5 years ago when we all got caught up in talking about the idea of someone "being famous for being famous". But that's all behind us now.
Now she has a new show looking for her next "bff" and though I'm sure it's disgustingly hilarious, I'd be just as happy is she vanished... I think I smell a Criss Angel cross promotion...
Amy Whinehouse - Yes, her music is amazing and I'm sure we'd all like her to do more of it..but if she's such a tweaker, then maybe she needs to REALLY go away until she can truly get her life together. It's sickening to see every photo of her look like she just got pulled out of a dumpster...Amy is another one that needs to stay away from cameras til she's clean. She's too talented and it's uncomfortable to watch.
TMZ needs to go away. Perez Hilton needs to go away. Inside Edition and Entertainment Tonight and in a sense, people like me need to go away. In a lot of cases, these "celebs" wouldn't be over-saturating pop culture if these "news" mags and gossip shows didn't shove them up our collective ass. It seems that a lot of times, the celeb truly wants to be left alone and NOT appear accidentally tripping over a crack in the sidewalk for a "Celebs-They're just like us!" segment. These people are people and deserve their privacy...the only problem is - they have to want it, too.
